After 11 years of marriage I have just realised that my husband is a Labrador.
The more I look at him the more I believe that is his dog persona. I of course am a poodle, but he is most definitely a Lab. He's just like Max. He may not be a gay hip-gyrating Lab like our beautiful blonde canine, and he may not bury my undies in the back yard (he doesn’t does he?), but he is without a doubt a Labrador. How do I know? Because of the way he eats.
The thing about Labradors is they can’t get enough food into their bodies. They don’t know the concept of saving some for later. They start salivating about an hour before feeding time. Anything that even resembles food will be eaten without so much as a “let me taste this and see”. Oh no. No sampling. Just plain old wolf it in and swallow it down. Max of course has done this on copious occasions. There was the time he broke into the neighbour’s backyard and ate a bag of chicken poo only to fart, poo and vomit for a day afterwards. Oh, and then there was the time he ate a small bag of fertilizer and threw it all back up in the middle of the lounge room. Notice how he doesn’t sample but just eats the entire bag? And we can’t leave out the rotting rabbit carcass he crunched and chewed after his boyfriend Binny had already discarded it. And he is FOREVER getting into strife at our house for breaking through all the barricades and trampling the vege patch to chow down on the compost. And by far the most frustrating incident was when he and Binny were left by themselves for a weekend with double the food needed for two dogs over two nights and Max ate the lot within the first hour. He was like a huge barrel when we got home and obviously very uncomfortable. He is the classic Labrador. And so is Derek.
About an hour before the officially recognised drinking hour of 5.00pm Derek starts to salivate. No seriously, he does. If I am preparing lunches or snacks for the kids and he hears the rustle of a chip bag he is there within a nano second diving in for handfuls of potato chips. He doesn’t place them into his mouth one at a time and chew in a manner befitting a human. He opens his mouth as wide as possible to accommodate an entire fistful (complete with stray chips and crumbs falling from his mouth and over his clothes and the floor). And of course one fistful isn’t enough. If I allowed it the entire bag would disappear much like Max and the chook poo. And you already know about the cheese incident. He even steals food from other people’s plates during dinner. And the kids have all grown up believing McDonalds cheeseburgers come with a bite out of them. Oh, and going on holidays just opens up an entire swag of eating frenzies. It’s like the seal on the compost has been opened and it’s a free for all no matter how many veges he tramples along the way. Derek is a Labrador! Just like Max’s “weekend in an hour” disaster, Derek sees food and has absolutely no control whatsoever. Keep it away from him and he is fine, but start opening containers and packets and something switches on inside him that surpasses manners and decorum diving him into eatingus frenzius. After a particular holiday where he ate bacon and eggs for breakfast, burgers and fries for lunch, nibbles at every opportunity and steaks that would make the Flinstones proud, he had the hide to suggest that my normal home cooking routine would need to be changed on return as I was cooking too much mash potato which was making him fat! It’s not the mash mate. It’s the ten tonne of food and 50 litres of bourbon that has made you fat.
Yep, my husband is a Labrador. It’s lucky they’re good family dogs and you love having them around.