Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 106

I have one of those desk calendar thingos with sayings especially designed for deep fried fruit like me and the one I have flipped over today says “easy there Mr Testosterone – you can be replaced by a zucchini”. I thought that was hysterical and showed it to Derek, who was not at all amused. He’s like all romantic and shit and he’s all about the love, but like many wives I could easily take a holiday from role of wife and hang husband-free for a while – until the light bulbs need changing or the smoke alarm needs to be turned off or a fuse needs to be fixed. Anyway, his response to the zucchini joke was to bring me in a zucchini from the garden the size of an elephant ding dong. I’ve never actually seen an exposed elephant but I reckon they would be the size of this zucchini. So what the hell am I supposed to do with this vegetable from the elephantus dickus family? I am not a foody by any means. I don’t love to cook and I don’t particularly love to eat. I just do it because it keeps me alive. If I didn’t have a family to keep healthy (and alive) I would probably survive on crackers, cheese and dip (and champagne)! I mean, sure, I do appreciate a nice meal, but it is not essential to my happiness. I find it extraordinary and quite frustrating (fascinating perhaps) when people start planning out their evening meal during breakfast. I’m like “geez, can I just get through this one first?!” Derek’s family are like that. Derek is like that! It got to the point where I was so sick of Derek asking me what was for dinner when I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet, that I had to plan it a week ahead and write it on the white board. So I have no wonderful recipes or thoughts on what to do with a gigantic zucchini which is clearly far too big to replace a husband. I Googled “things to do with a zucchini” and held my breath in anticipated horror as the options came up (but I clearly have a gutter mind because all the “things to do with a zucchini” options were above board). It seems zucchinis from the elephantus dickus family are not all that uncommon in backyard gardens and the options for such a marrow are endless! I had previously thought I might have to package it up and send it to the zoo for the deep fried female elephants (just in case they have the same desk calendar as me and are having some husband-free time), but it seems I can actually cook the thing and create a new dish to add to my very small repertoire.

PS I scooped out the zucchini marrow and cooked it up with tomato, bacon and onion, then put it back in the zucchini shell, topped it with cheese and cooked it in the oven. It worked out ok.
PPS Surely people don't actually use fruit and vegetables for husband replacement? It sounds funny on a desk calendar but surely it's not common practice?
PPPS I hope I haven't offended any elephants out there.

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