Thursday, February 4, 2010

Day 123

Today as I sip from my cow mug and think of my dairy farmer friend who gave it to me I turn once again to wind. Gas. Flatulence. I remember as a kid looking up "fart" in the dictionary and it said (well, it didn't "say" anything, it read) "a small explosion between the two legs". I can tell you something, there is often nothing small about it.

I don't think of farts because of the cows and them being all farty and buggering up our ozone and contributing to green house gases and stuff. The reason I think of wind when I drink from my cow mug is because said friend is a burping champion. I actually heard her before I met her all those years ago. It was a burp to end all burps that led me to the uni kitchen expecting to see some disgusting hairy he-man. Nope, just a strapping young country lass with lungs of steel! When my husband first met her he couldn't cope. Well, she did burp "hello Derek, nice to meet you" rather than say it. He was gob-smacked. She then proceeded to burp the alphabet which is something my daughter has since picked up from her (much to Derek's disgust). Her many other charms soon won him over and he loves her dearly, but the burping remains a sticking point. I quite like her burping, in the right enviroment. And yes, it can be very funny! Not so funny in the middle of a restaurant though with old ladies with pursed cats bum mouths staring at us in shock and revoltion. There is a time and place for these things to be funny. (Hi Jo Jo, how were the mooeys this morning? Got milk? Love you lots ...)

Once again, why is wind so funny? After my 40 year old fart posting on Day 120 I had many emails most of which confirmed that farting was funny. My friend who was the source of the "silent and extremely deadly" farts suggested her husband doesn't find her at all funny. I guess when your eyes start to water the novelty wears off. There is a point when your nose hairs burn. And that's just with your own stench! When it is someone else's the nausea can be extreme. And yes, you all know that I have a weak gutt so when Derek does the SBDs I can actually lose my lunch. My Silent But Deadly friend thinks farts are hysterical. I think the laughter from farting keeps her sane some days, but she gave me another good reason why farts sometimes aren't funny ... the "follow through". Yep, that's not funny. No one wants to poo themselves. It's no good when you fart and actually shit instead - it's called a shart.

Apparently as you age the sharting becomes par for the course! Ewwwwww. Not looking forward to that! My friend's aging father said to her recently that he has learnt 3 things since turning 70: 1. Never pass a urinal without using it 2. Never waste an erection (didn't need to know that thanks Dad) 3. Never trust a fart.

Ok, so maybe farts aren't always funny. Dogs don't think they are funny. They get yelled at when they do it and they get blamed when they don't. But hey, they can be romantic!! (the farts I mean, not the dogs ... although Max is very romantic when his boyfriend is around ... in a hip-gyrating sort of fashion). Farts romantic? Oh yes. When I first took Derek to meet my parents Mum accidently let one slip. It was loud. She was mortified. But quick recovery, by blaming Dad. "Oh Mick!" Dad very nicely took the blame and said "sorry about that". It wasn't until I smelt it that I recognised who dealt it! I kept her secret until I walked out the door with my now husband and told him it was actually Mum (we have no secrets). He thought that was the most romantic thing he had ever heard! Fancy someone accepting someone else's stench.

Yep, wind. Offensive, hysterical, romantic, shocking, painful, relieving, and downright rude. Gotta love it.

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