Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day 125

3.34am. Middle of the night monsters strike again. This time though the monster is Derek - arriving home from a boys night in ... poker, cigars and bourbon. I can hear him jingling as he walks through the door with a man bag full of coins. Perhaps the monster isn't Derek at all. It's far more sinister. That little leather satchel. Beware!! The man bag ...

If Derek had of been carrying a man bag when I met him back in 1994 we would never have hooked up. There would be no marriage, no kids, no house on the hill, no in-laws at the coast, no Derek/Labrador comparisons, no cheese stealers. Nope. If he had been carrying a man bag the first time I saw him I would have run a mile. So when did the man bag show it's ugly self? Around date number 4. I know, I know - there was still plenty of time to back out, but I was already hooked. It was one of those stomach turning and extremely cringe-worthy moments as he walked towards me in fitted knee length denim shorts, matching long sleeved denim shirt, basketball boots and a black leather satchel dangling from his wrist. I almost threw up on the spot. This guy is carrying a freakin' man bag!! F$#* me dead and call me Sharon.

It was an awkward date to say the least. It was lunch time so luckily I wasn't expected to lock lips or anything. The outfit was so wrong and I had never in my life seen any straight bloke under the age of 50 carrying a purse. What was that all about? It was so ... so ... so ... British! Next he would be bloody arriving wearing sandals and socks!! (What is it with the Poms and their sandal/sock combination?) Serves me right for dating a Limey I guess.

Anyway, to cut a long story short my boyfriend had a man bag and I wasn't sure what to do about it, because on the few occasions he did actually bring it with him I was almost gagging with revulsion. (Yes, I may be considered shallow but come on ... it's a man bag ... it's just wrong!) I did the only thing possible and secretly went about beating it up. Yep, when he wasn't around I would jump on it, slap it against brick walls, rub it on the cement a bit, scrunch it up and run over it with my car. Finally it started to look a bit warn (tough little buggers) and after six months Derek declared that his bag may have bit the dust. Oh, no, really? What a shame.

Relief was mine!! But it was short lived because although down to his last bourbon buying dollar Derek managed to scrounge enough cash together to come home with a brand spanking sparkly new wrist dangling man bag. Come on!!!!!!! Are you serious? What the hell?!?!? So I did it. After biting viciously on the inside of my cheek for a few days to hold back what could have been considered as insults, I very calmly said to him "D, you're gunna have to ditch the man bag". "Ditch my man bag? Why would I need to do that?" "Because it is f!^%ing ugly and I can't stand it and it's f!^%ing ugly, and I almost vomit every time I see it and it's f!^%ing ugly". There. I said it. He was mortified of course because he'd been wearing one for 6 months. But then he realised that the fact that I stuck it through (man bag and all) must mean I really liked him. Yep. You see! Not so shallow after all ...

Yep, it was hard, but we got through it. The man bag still exists but only comes out on card nights to hold all his gambling coins and cigars and stuff. It doesn't dangle from his wrist anymore either, he hides it in his cooler bag with this beer and bourbon. Nope, I didn't end up marrying Kel Knight (Kath and Kim). It's all good. Oh, and we got rid of the whole denim shorts, denim shirt combination too. And as yet the socks have not come out with sandals ... although he did try once but I nipped that in the bud quick smart ... (bloody Poms).

Goodnight! Now that that is off my chest I am going back to bed.

2 comments :

  1. Who says you can't change a man? Congratulations on banishing (almost) the man bag!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not just poms, but we do hold something of a record for sandals and socks www.sandalandsoxer.co.uk/home.htm

    ReplyDelete

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