Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Day 177

So I think we have established that if there are no ears around to hear a tree falling it doesn’t make a sound. I think we have also established that if you ignore what people are saying then their voices lose power. (I am not sure this is socially acceptable in all situations but it can definitely be of advantage occasionally.) But what if the aforementioned tree falls on your house and you aren’t there to hear it, does it make it any less destructive? No. Unfortunately it doesn’t. When a tree lands on your house and there is no one there to hear it, the tree still lands on your house.

These very strange thoughts went through my head yesterday as I saw a far too familiar yellow envelope hanging out of my letterbox. As I tip toed down the driveway to check for news from a Publisher the last thing I wanted to see was a yellow envelope addressed to me in my own hand writing. That’s not good news in publishing circles. That’s only one step removed from return to sender – it’s one step removed because it has the semi-personal touch of a “thanks but no thanks” letter attached.

Yesterday I encountered the moment I had been dreading. The return of my manuscripts. All that sitting on the roof wrapped in tin foil holding my Aussie wire coat hanger to send positive thought signals to the publisher didn’t work like I had hoped it would. At least they finally gave me some news I suppose. I had been wandering around with the old “no news is good news” statement rattling in my brain for the last six months, and while it was comforting for a while, it still ended the same. I’m not published. Fuck it.

So as I stared at the yellow envelope bearing my name, in my hand writing, holding my stamps, I thought, if I don’t open this and just ignore it, then I don’t know the outcome and perhaps then the actual outcome doesn’t exist! But then I realised that whether it does it with noise or in complete silence a fallen tree is still a fallen tree. You’ve still got to either walk around it or climb over it to continue on your path. If you stand still behind it you’ll just wither and die.

So I finally opened the envelope to receive the news and after some not-so-positive self talk, and quite a few “fuck its”, followed by 5 minutes of frustrated tears, I tuned into the fact that my books had almost made it all the way. Almost. According to the letter my work is good, but they just couldn’t commit in the end because I am just too specialised. Hmph. Yes I am. And that my dear readers is what is going to make these books a success!! I ALMOST made it all the way!! I am one step closer to a yes. So I wrote a little post-it note to put on the letter (as closure) saying “I am grateful that you took the time to read my books and give me such positive feedback” and then I filed it all on the growing pile under my desk.

I’m not going to sit behind the fallen tree. It’s time to walk around the tree and continue on my journey …

2 comments :

  1. Hugs, that must have been so disappointing. But hey, I admire your determination to keep moving forward. One day I will be buying your books, I just know that it will happen because you are not going to take no for an answer. Keep the faith.

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  2. Stupid Tossers don't know what they're missing!! It is hard to be ahead of your time - it sucks arse waiting for everyone else to catch up!!!

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