Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Day 191

It’s school holidays and Mum has handed me some light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not saying that school holidays and having the kids around is a dark experience, but given I’ve had a migraine for five days now, and given I am feeling a little anxious about a few things, and given I can’t exercise due to my knee, and given I seem to be needing copious amounts of sleep, then being able to ditch my responsibilities for a couple of days does indeed provide some light. When I told my wonderful husband about the reprieve he jumped squarely into the light (naked) and yahoo’ed at the fact that with no kids we could have two mid-week date nights. He suggested one of his making and one of mine. Wooot wooot. (He didn’t really do it naked, but he may as well have.)

I quietly explained that Mum was giving me the opportunity to ditch my responsibilities, so please don’t take that away from me by replacing role of mother with role of wife.

“What? You saying I am nothing more than a responsibility to you?” (him). Ouch. Yes well, I guess that is a fair enough statement.

“Um, no, well … yes, well no … I’m just saying that if I have some freedom I would like to spend it free to be me …. And perhaps even sleep alone and get the whole freedom thing really working for me ….” (me) Ouch again. Wow. Is this me speaking?

Huffing and puffing (him), door slamming and stomping (him), sigh and head in hands (me) …. And migraine explosion (me).

Why is this marriage stuff so hard? Does it always have to be this hard? Has it always been this way or do I have a short memory? And why when we fight does it feel like divorce is imminent? When you watch “Everybody Loves Raymond”, or “Home Improvement” or other 90s family rom coms they can fight and then be smiling a few minutes later. No smiles here. Just lots of door slamming and stomping. And a migraine getting incredibly worse. And me feeling selfish and awful … and then thinking why can’t I be selfish sometimes? Why do I always have to give and give and give … can’t I give to me too sometimes? And then I thought – since when did spending time with my husband turn into a chore? Shit. This is bad.

So I followed the sound of slamming to find Derek in the basement hurling junk from one pile to the next in order to get it in … um …. order I guess. I said “I am getting the impression you might be angry with me”.

“yes” (him)

“why?” (me)

“if you don’t know by now that we have major problems” (him)

“Is it because you don’t want me to have free time?” (me)

“it’s because you never think about me and what I need!” (Him)

“do you ever think about me and what I need?” (Me)

And there you have it …. Never the Twain shall meet. We are at a crossroads yet again staring at each other in anger, confusion and frustration. He wants dating and I want sleep. And the reality is that we both actually get enough of what we want. The whole “being together” thing is a once a week minimum and the whole sleep thing is nightly …. So …. What is it we are really complaining about? I think he just wants quality, um, you know, “being together”, and I just want quality time for me. I think that is what it is. And I think that is just the excuses we are using to have something to yell about. In reality our issues are running much deeper. Or are they? Maybe it is all just surface stuff. Perhaps we are just plain freakin’ tired. Plus the weather is shite.

Sigh. Can I go back to my plateau and stick my head under it instead of building another hill to climb? I am suddenly very tired again … and my head really hurts.

Interestingly enough I got my night alone. Derek in a very quiet way took to the spare room and gave me our king size bed. He didn’t do it with any statements of gratitude, platitude or understanding mind you, but he did it with only the hint of a scowl. It was a lovely gesture and one I am grateful for. And I woke up without a wrinkle in my bed, without anyone poking at me (kids I mean), without an alarm and with sunlight filtering softly through the curtains. I dived out of bed full of vim and vigour and used one hand to pull up the doona to the “bed is now made” position and skipped out to the kitchen to pack Derek’s lunch. And while I did all of this smiling and with only the hint of a migraine still poking about behind my left eye I decided to work on that hill ... oh, and date night. Yes, yes, yes. He'll get his bloody date ....

PS Derek and I always find the blue sky above the clouds. The shite weather never lasts long. So don't panic anyone ... (by anyone I mean Mum ...)

3 comments :

  1. Oh lovely Leanne. So much I could share with you. Hold onto that vim and vigour. Relish in the date. Be happy with each other?

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  2. I know the grey skies are a bummer, but it just makes the blue ones so much sweeter! Hang in there!

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  3. I am glad it will work out Leanne,I am over your way for 10 days in week 8 at a school next term, hope we can catch up for a coffee.
    p.s check out the arrowroot plant on my gardening blog, it's huge.

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