Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 221

Warning, warning, warning!
Strictly for mature audiences only.

And by mature, I mean MATURE!. If you are under 35 (and a woman) and you don’t want to hear your destiny, then you may not care to read any further.

Things go south when you get older. Lots of things. I mean, there are loads of things that people don’t even talk about. Like we all know that we start getting droopy lids, and saggy necks, and jowls, tuck shop arms and stretchy flexy boobs, but what about other things. You know, like stuff that is not often talked about. Well, you know me – I’m up for it if you are. Who wants to talk about saggy baggy lady bits? Oh, come on! Don’t cover your eyes just yet. We’ve already had a chat about the merkin, and other stuff like bleaching butt holes, learning how to reposition your boobs so that your nipples are all pointing in the right direction, and farting and stuff. There’s nothin’ wrong with a bit of a ve-jay-jay chat.

Yes, I’m talking about your lady pouch. There are things there that start to hang lower than they should as you get older, and I’ve got to tell you it’s not overly comfortable! I have heard of fanny surgery to get it all looking nice and fresh, but at the time I was like “what the?!” And by fanny I mean the Australian fanny which nestles at your front porch, not the rounded and padded US fanny that sits firmly at your back door. I’ll never forget when I first heard about buying “fanny packs”. I thought it was a gift bag full of special moisturisers, feminine hygiene products and wax strips. And then when my American dad (Cathy’s beautiful father) said to me “watch yourself, or I’ll kick you in the fanny!” I almost died. He would kick me between the legs? No, we are not talking about butt’s people, we are going to chat about your twot.

As I hit deep fried fruit age I totally understand why people visit Dr 90210 to get their bits tweaked now. I think it might be a matter of safety to be honest. I mean, there comes a point where you start to worry if things are going to get caught in your clothing and stuff. I had a dream the other night – a nightmare actually – where I was floating down a river on a raft, wearing my swimmers, and realised I was hanging out. In my dream though it was all quadruple the size and really looking like man tackle. Crazy I know, but I dreamt it none-the-less and it’s kind of been on my mind ever since. I mean, what happens if you get to a point where the hang is so severe you start to chafe? It’s bad enough that you sweat down there when you’re out doing your exercise thing, but what happens when the curtains are hanging low enough to start chaffing? It is possible to start a bush fire? This is serious stuff ladies. It’s a matter of personal and public safety.

Alright, I know, you are reading this while peaking through your fingers (those that are still with me of course) so I’ll stop now to save you any further anxiety. It’s just that it’s a deep fried fruitism that I wasn’t counting on. No one ever talks about it, so I’ve decided to become the spokesperson for vaginal curtains the world over! If it hasn’t happened yet, it will happen folks, and when it does you’ll be worried too. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you …

6 comments :

  1. Heh, heh, heh.

    I love it. Thanks for going 'there'.

    I'm sitting down here with a cup of tea too :-)

    SSG xxx

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  2. Oh Leanne, you do make me laugh. My Granny told me about all this flappy lady garden bizzo. I didn't believe her. I am kind of at the point of not daring to check.....

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  3. Phew!! Thought I may have committed blogiscide. Pleased to see I survived that little topic without any "unfollows" ...

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  4. Tastefully tackled I think, Leanne. The funniest thing being I just had this conversation with myself yesterday!!!

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  5. oh man...something else to look forward to. i am scared

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  6. Maybe I should share about my Pap smear test and the conversation my doctor had with me during it? But I don't think anyone is ready to here that. Love your honesty.

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