Monday, January 31, 2011

Day 482

Ok, enough of human bulls.  Back to fibromyalgia and the question of whether or not I actually have it and how the hell I'm going to get through another year of it.

I have to say I am still very much questioning my diagnosis, particularly after reading many of the comments of the last few days.  I really believe the prognosis was too quick.  I wasn't given indicators and what not. There was no measured assessment. I just gave my symptoms and failed the MS test and BAM the diagnosis was made. I trusted in it because it was given by a neurologist, and then backed up and treated by my GP.  Professor Google backed it up further with the bucket loads of symptoms I've experienced throughout my life.  So I guess I shouldn't be questioning it, but I am. Only because I don't get the pain that everyone talks about. I get the fatigue, and the fog, and IBS, and chemical sensitivities, and migraine, but not a whole lot of pain.  Well, a bit of pain.  Mainly in my muscles though rather than the joints.  And this whole weird constriction feeling in my limbs has me wondering.  Anyway, I'm still questioning it. Which is one of the reasons I don't often talk about it. The other reason, as I said before, is because I just don't like to give it energy.

I've spoken about it vaguely in the past.  I spoke about it for the first time way back here, and then I did some chatting about it here and here.  Other than that there have only been mild references up until now.

Today is Monday and we are back home from another weekend at the coast.  Today I am in a weird zone of summer bliss mixed with fatigue.  The combination adds up to one thing. Absolute frustration.  There is so much I want to do. So much I need to do.  But my body just won't allow it. The moment I get up and start about my business, the fog sets in. The moment I ask my brain to switch on, the fatigue keeps jiggling the cable and a weird on-off thing starts happening.  This is bad for me. I am the go-get-em girl. That is who I am. I am the success trainer. I am the one people come to for motivation, inspiration and an action plan. I am the all time kick-up-the-bum chick.  I am the one who believes in belief and adds joy to action to get results.  That is who I am.  And right now I can hardly hang out the washing ...

I'm not the only one who is frustrated.  Husband gets frustrated by it too. A lot. He watches me push to get through my day ... push to get things done ... to volunteer my time to others .... to be available to clients when they want/need me ... to cart the kids to and from their activities .... doing a few hours here and there at the school.  And then when it is time for me to spend time with him, at the end of the day, I fall in a heap.  Why can't I push myself that extra little bit ... why cant' I squeeze out another drop just for him?  Then he suggests I need to have a rest. An afternoon nap.  So that maybe he and I can spend some couple time together of a night time.  Ok. I could do that ... but who is going to do the washing, and get the groceries done, and get my books published, and feed the kids, and keep them occupied and do Darby's dyslexia therapy with him?  Who is going to do that?  Other things don't stop just because I'm tired.  And that makes me frustrated even more. And then I get cranky ... and hide away in the en suite to shed cranky frustrated tears .... all because my body is letting me down.

So I guess that's it.  That's all I want to say about it today.  My stupid body isn't keeping up with my action plan.  I need a better engine or something.  Perhaps I am supposed to be using that special ultra unleaded fuel or something.  Perhaps it's time for a service.  Yeah.  Maybe ....

I'm off to make an appointment for a check up, to hang out a load of washing, to do some of Darby's exercises with him, and then I might lay down for a bit before taking Tahlia to her calisthenics duo training.  Maybe tonight I can cuddle with my husband on the couch without falling asleep.

4 comments :

  1. You can do it Leanne. Go get em. Rest a bit and be back with the game plan. All the best. HUgs

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Leanne,

    I so admire your aplomb, I think that is the right term. You are still blogging away, thats what I admire. And then there is me, who blogs when she gets around to it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It must be very frustrating. MY MIL has or thinks she has Fibromyalgia too - it has been quite a journey to have it recognised or not.
    I hope you get some answers and relief from your symptoms.

    ReplyDelete
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