Monday, January 2, 2012

Day 818

I need new bikini pants. I have a gazillion tankini tops that I spend good money on so that they can be swimmers as well as tops to wear with white three quarter pants as part of my 'resort wear' range. But I am severely lacking in the swimmer pants department. I am down to one pair of brown and one pair of black with attached skirt.

I did have a goldie coloured pair but they got embarassingly threadbare. I suddenly realised in Hawaii that when I bent over in the right (or is that wrong?) light that spectators could possibly see what I'd had for breakfast. So I threw them out for the decency and preservation of humanity. I also had a pair of Hawaiian bottoms to match a Hawaiian bikini top, with matching sheer resort shirt, but they disappeared mysteriously while in Hawaii. Not sure if they too may have been confiscated for humanities sake.

Anyway. I need new swim briefs. Preferably black to go with majority of my tops.

So today I wandered into K-Mart to pick myself up a pair. They had loads of separates but all were at the higher end of the size spectrum, or were patterned, which was no good for me.  I finally found a plain black pair and took them to try on.  They were quite thick ... in fabric and in design ... I wasn't too sure about them.  The thick fabric was good, the design was a little "butch" for my liking.  Perhaps they would be good to hide my stretch marks and to tuck in my elephantitis (that phenomenon of over stretched skin around the tummy region resulting from the the stretch-a-thon of pregnancy that shrivels into hundreds of tiny wrinkle folds to look like saggy baggy elephant skin once the baby comes out).  But no. They were hipster in variety and I couldn't tuck myself in. I needed a slightly higher waist. What a strange design.  Kind of comfortable but kind of odd at the same time.

Then I noticed the draw string.

I was wearing mens budgie smugglers.  That would explain the "comfy pouch" that I was failing to fill in the lower front region. Bugger.

I couldn't bring myself to buy them.  They were only $10 and they kind of did the job, but the bargain could't hide the fact that I would be wearing dick stickers.

Back to the drawing board ....

6 comments :

  1. Hahaha! Budgie smugglers... better on you than on Tony Abbott!

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  2. Dick stickers! Ha! I'm not sure if that's a popular Aussie term, or if you made it up, but I'm tearing up with the giggles over here!

    Hearing about Aussie summer is making me cold(er).

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  3. I thought it said "dick knickers" the first time and burst out laughing. "Dick stickers" is funny as hell though too.

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  4. OMG, there I was, happily reading along, and thinking what a hassle it is to buy bathers, and then I read the pouchy part, and nearly choked on my Philly sanger.
    HilARious!

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  5. I am still searching. I went into Big W yesterday and again, nothing in plain colours in my size. Perhaps I should man up and go for the more masculine variety?

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