Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Day 2245 - The Chiropractor

The day my neck broke.

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6.30am

I have only been to a chiropractor a handful of times.  I've never really felt they do me or my migraines any good. Besides, they scare the crap out of me.  I am absolutely sure I'm going to die at the hands of a disgruntled doctor who breaks necks and stuffs the bodies in a big incinerator he just happens to have "out the back".

But today, because I'm desperate, I am off to a chiro for my back zaps and constant headaches.  The feeling of electricity shooting up my spine and referring pain to my head and nausea to my stomach is becoming too much. I'm getting a bit tired of that feeling of driving on a corrugated road even though I'm at my desk.

I've had people swear to me that a chiro will help.  I have balked because of the aforementioned broken neck and incinerator scenario.

Anyway, on the weekend someone said "I had that exact issue and the chiropractor fixed it". She then proceeded to give me his number.

So today is the day.  Today is the day I take my life in my hands and hand over $200 to have my neck broken.

If I'm gonna be in this kind of constant pain I might as well have a broken neck, right?

8.30am

What does one wear to have their neck broken?

9.45am

Shit, I'd better clean the house and fold the washing before my neck gets broken. Don't want people coming over to mourn my death or to help out once I'm in traction and find the house in disarray. That would be embarrassing.

10.30am

Quickly buying the last of the Christmas gifts before I become incapacitated.

11.15am

At the chiropractor filling out heaps of forms and answering weird questions like "do you feel sad?" and "do your feet tingle?"  and "are you experiencing low sex drive?"

11.45am

Standing in the chiro's office being pushed and prodded and standing with my arms out while he pushes down on my arms to see what my body is telling him.

11.47am

Getting a thorough lesson on what chiropractic care actually is as well as a lesson in kinesiology and the chiropractic linkages.

11.53am

Being asked by the chiro if I know what a chiropractor does and responding with "yes, you break necks".

11.54am

Laughing when the chiropractor says that breaking necks is bad for business.

12.09pm

Lying on the examination table while he twists my body and then lies on me to make things crack in my lower back.

12.17pm

Do more standing while he pokes and prods and does more magical voodoo kinesiology diagnoses.

12.23pm

Back on the examination table as he prepares to break my neck.

12.28pm

Walk up and down the corridor a few times to prove that my neck is not broken and to show that my head is no longer sitting crooked on my shoulders.

12.45pm

Pay $195.00 and swear when my private health cover rejects it as a claimable item.  Make another two bookings for the next two days to get more cracking and neck breaking done in readiness for my US trip.  Because ... you know ... the flight is long and having a crooked spine and unbalanced neck could make it feel even longer.

12.55pm

Declare that perhaps chiropractors aren't so bad after all.

1.00pm

Drive home to rest my bones and marvel that I am alive to tell the tale.

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