Thursday, October 29, 2009

Day 25

Yesterday I lost my nipple. Don’t worry, I found it again – it was under my arm. I was lying on my back on the couch in front of the fire reading “Tuesday’s With Morrie” when during a thoughtful pause I focussed on my chest and realised I only had one headlight standing to attention through my t-shirt. Where was the other one? And that’s when I found it down by my arm pit. I was braless but that’s still no excuse for a nipple to go wayward.

A few years ago when I was in my earlier 30s I walked into a meeting with a group of public servants and there for the first time I saw a woman with headlights pointing in opposite directions. One was pointing towards the ceiling and one was pointing to the floor. I was gob-smacked. It was like she had search lights rather than headlights. The kind you see at a special event like a movie premier, one circling at the sky and the other circling at the ground. I couldn’t concentrate on the meeting I was mesmerised by her breasts. How can that happen? And how could she not do something about it. What bra was she wearing? Shocking. I looked around to see if anyone else was looking at the search light phenomenon but the rest of the table were focussed on the Chair person. I was the only shallow Hal staring in wonder at the ill-disciplined mammaries.

Since that day my own breasts have started to drop and shockingly enough after getting dressed I notice signs of war as one search light looks to the skies for an air strike while the other looks left across the city for signs of enemy tanks. On these days I quickly adjust my armour and grapple with my assets as I lift, tuck and adjust to ensure all lights flash forwards.

Once upon a time I could lay on the couch and all my fruity bits would stay in place. Not anymore. Things just go south (and north and east and west). But there’s no excuse for allowing disobedient nipples ladies! Take control and for goodness sake get them in line. It is seriously distracting …

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