Monday, April 12, 2010

Day 190

Sigh. Nobody said this middle age stuff was going to be easy, but I didn’t realise it was going to be quite this hard either. No, I’m not talking about the physical aspects like chin hairs and tuckshop arms and wrinkled necks and stuffed knees, but more about the whole mind battle. I mean the physical is one thing but it’s just fluff. It’s the battle of the mind that can either make or break ya.

I watch people go through it all the time. Particularly those who have been in their jobs or careers for a decade or more, have lived in the one home for years, who have been in the comfort of their relationships for a long time. People get into a comfort zone. But how comfortable is it? We are apparently supposed to experience continual growth throughout our lives and it is the plateaus in the growth chart that cause us frustration and lack of worth and nudge our self esteem a bit. But for someone who feels like she is continually growing I’m a bit shocked to be feeling the ol’ mid-life crisis sneaking up on me. My comfort zone is not feeling so comfy right now. Where is it coming from? Is it time for a career change? Is it time to move house? Is it time to have an affair?? Come on … why am I feeling like this?

Hmmm. They say your work is not your worth …. But in a country like Australia where we are built on the working class, it is a little difficult to create self worth without it being work related. And in a house where the money ain’t what it used to be there is pressure to perform.

Take me for example (well this is my diary after all). I had a great career. I strove for the top and I made it. I did all I ever wanted to do within my particular stream and reaped the rewards. Once I reached the top I decided that my work was not necessarily my worth and that I could now do other things to feel like I was contributing to my family. So I went home to be the Mum and the wife so that my husband could concentrate his efforts on his career. This was a joint decision. We were both very happy about it. It gave us both new opportunities and some freedom and it shifted the balance of power a bit.

Now I had been a major financial contributor for a long time. In fact, it was my credit rating that got us our home loan, our credit cards and our hire purchase accounts. So to now be just plodding along around the edges bringing in pocket money as opposed to a full career level wage is starting to niggle at my defences. I thought that my contributions to society were enough, that the stuff I am doing might be enough to appease the chipping that is going on inside my soul. But I’m not sure it is.

Now, most negative emotion comes from fear. So what is it I’m afraid of? I’m afraid of ending up alone and not being able to support my family. That is what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that I am relying whollous bollous on my husband as the provider. I am afraid that all I really am is a wife and a mother and that my business, my writing and my books are all just a silly fantasy and play acting.

So what do I do with that fear? What do I do with these very strange feelings of worthlessness that are creeping up on me? What do I do with the plateau I seem to have hit?

Well I could crawl underneath it and cover myself up with a blanky. Or I could stick my head in it with my arse poking out for the world to see. Or I build another hill to climb to ensure growth.

Dumdy dumby dumb … what to do? What to do? Fancy climbing a hill anyone?


  1. Build another hill. Build one for me too, whilst you're at it?

    I have said it before Leanne, but I love your blog. And I find it strangely interesting (& comforting almost?)that we share so many life patterns.....

  2. Lucy - I love that you are always first on to read me even when I have slept in!! Now that is good blogship (blog friendship) :) L


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