Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 273

I have woken up fresh and sprightly after a lovely date night with my husband. It was such a pleasant evening that I must share. Don't worry, there was no shell fish, or herbal medicines involved, just a really nice winter date night. With only a dash of champagne ...

It’s 6.26pm. I’ve spent the last 90 minutes having a spa bath, shaving legs, putting on make-up, doing hair, and getting on my LBD (little black dress) and good knickers. I am ready for my date. Should I be nervous?

6.31pm. My date’s eyes popped out of his head when I arrived at the living room door. I guess that’s a good thing? He handed me a glass of strawberry champagne. Video Hits is playing on the TV with the top 20. The fire place is lit. Winner.

6.35pm. Date is talking about football. Bugger. At least he looks good. He has ordered dinner. Bonus points.

6.40pm. Date rang to check on kids. Talking football to the grandparents. Well, I guess footy helps him get through the winter. Me, not so much. Stop talking footy or you’ll lose me. Give me more champagne and I’m a keeper.

6.50pm. Chinese arrives. Four dishes, four tastes. Honey, chilli, Mongolian, peanut satay. Good variety. Nice.

7.00pm. My date washes up. Ok, looking good. I get my first kiss – on the cheek. Yep, doing ok.

7.10pm. We head to the fireplace. Lounges set up facing each other. A coffee table in between. A deck of cards. Some game rules. Looks like I am going to finally learn to play poker.

7.25pm. Just lost my first hand of poker. Bugger. I also just learned where the expression “up the ante” comes from. I shouldn’t have upped my ante. I thought two pairs would be good. Apparently not when he has 3 of a kind. Is it bad that after one round he has 3 piles of chips and I have 3 … um … chips … total?

7.35 pm. I got a pile of chips!! Apparently it’s not about the cards you have. You’ve just got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run. Oh and it helps if you have “p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker face”.

7.55pm. Ok, got my piles back. The good piles. Not the ones you get after child birth. The best p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker face is the dumb broad. Pretending I have no clue. But really, I’ve played Yahtzee, I kind of know what I am doing now. My date doesn’t know that though. I said “if I’ve got 4 aces I should probably keep going, huh, in case I can get a 5th one?” He just stared at me in shock. Is she really this clueless? No!! And that my dear friend is how you get him to fold and you get all his chips (when you’ve actually only got an 8 high). Woot woot.

8.10pm That strategy doesn’t work when he is holding 2 aces himself. Whoops.

8.30pm. Second kiss. Scored when I very proudly won a hand after lots of upping antes (or is that raising you? Or calling your bet? Raise you? Bump you? Hmmm) Whatever it is there was lots of p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker facing and my pair of kings beat his pair of kings because I was able to proudly declare “pair of kings with ace high”. He had pair of kings with jack high. You see! I even have the lingo. And my piles continue to grow (the good kind, not the bad kind).

8.50pm. My date declares that I look good, and said if I had turned up to our first date looking like this, he would have shit himself and run home. Apparently I’m too hot. Nice.

9.30pm. My piles are getting smaller. Good if haemorrhoid's, not good if poker. Turns out you can only pretend you don’t know the rules for the first hour or so. After that they know you’re bluffing. Even looking at the rules sheet and studying the order of high versus low doesn’t work anymore. Hustling not working. Bum.

9.45pm. I lost all my chips. So I sold my boots for 20 more. I’m back in the game.

10.00pm. Just doubled my chips based on bums, tits and dicks (apparently). More poker lingo or is my date pulling my leg? I had a pair of jacks with both a queen and a king high. He had a pair of jacks with a queen high. I apparently beat him with a dick. Surely that’s not actual poker lingo?

10.20pm. Got my boots back. When he lost his.

10.30pm. My date says “you know I love you … but I really like you too”. Nice.

10.40pm. Ditched video hits for some Robbie, followed by Prince, and then Police. The first two are for my benefit, the third for his.

10.50pm. Still talking. That’s good. And I still have poker chips. Also good.

11.00pm. And through it all she offers me protection and a lot of love and affection … I’m lovin’ angels instead. Gotta love Robbie.

11.02pm. Let meeeeeeeee, entertain you!!!! Go Robbie.

11.05pm. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life, electric word life that means forever and that’s a mighty long time, but I’m here to tell ya, there’s something else, the after world … (Thank you Prince … good to know considering this poker game is going on an on).

11.09pm. Yawn.

11.10pm. Little Red Corvette. Baby you’re just too fast. Yep, you’d better believe it. Years of Yahtzee prepared for this night.

11.12pm. You don’t have to be rich to be my girl, don’t have to be cool to rule my world …. There’s no particular sign I’m more compatible with, just want your extra time and your k-k-k-k-k-k-kiss …. Act your age not your shoe size (Prince … it’s Prince talking) … luckily it’s not about me. I’m not rich anymore … and my shoe size is 9.5 which makes me younger than my daughter .…

11.13pm Lost my boots again. Haven’t lost the farm yet ….

11. 15pm. This poker’s a bloody long game. Lost my boots again. Twice. Got them back in the middle, but lost them again. Bloody expensive boots.

11.17pm. We’re now partying like it’s 1999. That is the year Tahlia was born. I was dreamin when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray, when I woke up this morning coulda sworn it was judgement day … yeah well. Poker will do that to ya.

11.30pm. On a winning streak!! Piles and piles and piles.

11.45pm. Date says “my, what big chips you have”. Yes I do. I’m the winner! Got my boots back and all the chips. Turns out I’m alright at this poker thingimo. Date says next time we’ll have to play something hard like canasta.

12.00am. Turned into a rat. Midnight will do that. Lovely date night. Goodnight husband. Goodnight wife.


  1. He would have had me at about 10.30pm.

    Glorious post - I am giggling.

  2. Haha. Sounds like a fun night. With dishes done and all! Wow-weee.


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